A lot, little, enough – is it possible to apply these concepts to intimate relationships? Many couples are wondering how often they need to make love. What do sexologists think about it?
Sex is the mysterious force that leads us towards each other, connects our bodies into a single whole, turns into close relatives of two who were once not even familiar. But then what? How often do we need to make love to maintain this connection, and what to do if the desires of partners do not always coincide?
“We got married in the last year of the university,” says 26-year-old Elena, “we were crazy about each other, we could hardly wait until we stayed together together. Then my husband went to work, I went to graduate school. We both were so tired that we fell asleep, barely touching the pillow. Now it has become easier. But we have sex at best twice a week – on weekends. Maybe our feelings are not the same as before?”
The sexologist Nada adds says that many couples are both young and with experience – when they come to the reception, they ask how many times a week you need to make love: “They suggest that there is a norm that must be observed”. Accustomed to live from childhood according to the rules, many of us want to know if everything in our personal life meets the norm. In addition, in clear criteria, we unconsciously look for a guarantee that will help to maintain an attraction to each other for a long time.
However, experts (uncertainly) speak only about the average age norm, but the individual norm does not exist at all. “The frequency of sexual acts depends not only on age or health,” explains the sexologist and sociologist Igor Kon. – It is affected by many other factors: how much time this union exists, what are the expectations of both, do they have small children, what is the schedule of work for everyone. Various life circumstances determine the intensity of the sexual life of the couple at the moment. “. Some make love every other day, others prefer to arrange sexy “holidays” and spend weekends in bed.
The same pair may have periods of hard work, tedious family troubles, and then the frequency of sexual relations decreases. And during vacation, many couples have sex more often than usual. But the intensity of sexual life does not determine its quality. “In addition, at the beginning of the relationship, as a rule, both are covered by passion, and sex occupies a huge place in their life,” says Naida adding. – In the established pair, partners gain mutual trust, reveal to each other. The frequency of intimate contacts can be reduced, but sexual experiences become brighter and more fully. “.
Subjective numbers
Most sexologists agree that on average in the first two years of living together, the couple has sex about 13 times a month (2-3 times a week). Five years later – 8–9 times a month. But the intensity of sexual life decreases with age.
“Paying attention to the numbers, it is important to understand that they are based on the results of sociological surveys,” says Igor Kon. “But there are very few of them in the world, and in Russia there are no long -term studies of relations between the same partners for a long time”. In addition, women and men are very subjective in answers, they are shy or, conversely, boast a little. Therefore, do not accept statistics as a rule, to which we must follow at
all costs.
There is another feature in polls: it is definitely not determined what is “once”. Our ideas about what it means to “have sex” is very different. “Each respondent means something of its own by this,” the Naida emphasizes. – Men, as a rule, consider sex to be held if an orgasm is achieved. Whereas a woman can enjoy caresses and feel completely satisfied, even if her orgasm did not come. In other cases, it can reach orgasm, enjoying caresses, even if there was no penetration (penetration) “. The duration of “once” men and women also evaluate in different ways.
Different desire
“Sometimes I am afraid that in the eyes of my girlfriend I look like some kind of sexy maniac,” 28-year-old Sergei admits not without pride. – I can’t do anything with myself, I want her again and again. At times she even has to ask me to let her relax “.
Men and women, we prefer a different frequency of intimate relationships. This difference is due to the different nature of male and female sexuality. In men, “hormone desires” testosterone is constantly being produced. Enjoyment of sex for a healthy man is practically guaranteed, and therefore the man strives for him more and more. The degree of excitation and the possibility of orgasm in men depend mainly on the state of health and to a lesser extent – on his feelings to the partner. These physiological features are also added to the tendency of men to competitiveness, to the desire to achieve more, to prove and feel their viability. The combination of these reasons leads to the fact that the greatest sexual activity in men falls on the period between 20 and 30 years.
The sexuality of a woman is more psychological. Difficulties at work, household disorder, a quarrel with someone from loved ones-a woman is much more difficult than a man, to reconfigure to sex and achieve an orgasm. “In addition, in order for a desire to arise, most women need to feel tenderness, trust and love of a partner, feel the proximity with him,” says Igor Kon. – And the sexual satisfaction of women is also statistically connected with their social activity, the presence of their favorite profession (men do not have such dependence), intellectual and sports hobbies “. Female sexuality develops gradually. During the heyday of her sexual temperament, a woman most often enters by 30–35 years, when relations with a partner are already stable, domestic problems have been solved and there is sexual experience. How these differences affect life in a couple?
When a woman suffers
Many women admit that they agree to an intimate relationship with a permanent partner even in cases where they do not feel desire. They are afraid that their refusal could disappoint or push the partner. But when a woman forces herself to have sex “through I don’t want”, the result is often hostile not only to intimate relationships, but even to touch.
In such cases, it is useful to ask yourself: “Is I now have a desire to feel a desire?”If the answer is” no “, then do not overcome yourself. However, it also happens that women underestimate the degree of excitement, “do not hear” him. If you learn to listen to your body and trust it, the ability to surrender to your desire and transmit it to your partner will only develop.
Achieve harmony
Anyone who strives for proximity, without receiving it, feels rejected. Anyone who is forced to refuse may offend and seem insensitive. The harmony and well -being of each of the partners depend on their ability to adapt to the needs and desires of each other. “Different preferences will not turn into a problem if both understand what is happening between them and talk to each other with confidence, love and tact,” the naida is sure. – When we respect the one with whom we are in intimate relationships, when we know how to express our love, we get true satisfaction. And not only from sex, but from life in general “.
“About 30% of men and women are genetically predisposed to experience increased sexual attraction” – Israeli geneticist and neuropsychologist Richard Ebstein came to this conclusion. This is due to the fact that they are carriers of a special variety of DRD4 gene, which is responsible for the susceptibility to dopamine – the hormone of pleasure. Our experts advise those who prefer a different frequency of sex, establish a “weekly priority”, when each in turn becomes the initiator of sexual relations. Such a “rotation” will allow a partner who “lacks” desire, to feel the attraction again. And the one who needs a more active intimate life thus learn to listen to another. This evens out positions and can even become an exciting love game.
“For the development of relations, not so much the frequency of making love is important as their regularity,” explains Naida adding. – Sexual proximity ties partners to each other, helping them stay together and enjoy it. “. However, regularity does not mean monotony. With age, relations in the couple become more even and calm. Sexual attraction is slightly reduced, but mutual trust increases. It is time to experiment together, to carry out your innermost fantasies. We want to be happy, we want to experience all the joys of love relationships. And for this you do not need to adapt to some conditional average figure, you do not need to strive to win in the competition “Who is more”. Listen and hear your desires and desires of a partner, connect them into one whole is the best way to make your sexual life joyful and creative.